Dating after surgery...

Okay, so in the past year I have read about 250 books, probably more.  I bought a kindle it has been my best source of entertainment for 2012.  I have read mostly free books, as my financial situation hasn’t done nothing but go further into a deep dive.  I am still waiting on a disability decision, now in the appeal stage.  In 2013 I should have an answer from Social Security, and I will be in the depths of despair if it is a negative answer. 

About reading all these books, none of them have been romances or any thing resembling ’50 Shades’ of anything.  I am not into those types of books; in fact, when I learned The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was dealing with some S & M topics, I even shied away from that whole series of books.  In the books I have read though, there is often an element of romance, but the plot deals with something I am more into.  After finishing the last book Circle of Bones: A Caribbean Thriller by Christine Kling, I realized I am sincerely lacking in so many areas. 

Not to give away the book, as it was truly a good read, the lead character is a woman, ex Marine, who is fit and looks good in clothes.  The problem she has and which stops here from trying to form any romantic relationships is that she has a huge scar from her shoulder down her back from a bombing she was close to.  She looks in the mirror at her image and is proud of how fit she has kept herself after she left the Marines, but then she sees the scar and feels no man will ever want her because of this scar.  She finds out differently in the latter part of the book.

Now, in a totally different medium, The Sun Magazine, [December 2012] there is a short story in the “Readers Write” area in which a woman who has a scar from a mastectomy is attempting to have sex with a stranger.  She is ashamed of the scar, doesn’t take her top off, and yet is also not getting any pleasure from what is happening.  Finally she tells the man she is with about the scar; he kisses the area, and then asks if she just want to lie together.  So, here she is a woman who has been through a lot in real life, not fiction this time, and yet finds a stranger who is compassionate enough to just be with her and not be rude or judgmental about her body.

I am thinking there are good men out there, and once I get back on my feet and feel whole again, I will be out there maybe dating again.  All of this gives me a ray of hope, small, but still some thing to hold onto.

Yahoo! has the balls to run a story the other day about how credit scores are changing the face of dating and future relationships.  From what the article said, it appears many young people are questioning dates about their current credit score, or using specific dating sites which cater to this kind of thinking.  I have to sit back and re-assess my ray of hope.  When I will be back in the dating world again, this is who I will present as:

            Single, white woman, no house, no kids, no vehicle, no apartment, possibly on disability, student loan heavy, have a Master’s degree, working on a Doctorate degree, no job, no credit cards, well read, not fit physically…

There, you see, the list goes on and on.  What is someone going to do with all the information?  Dial it all down to a credit score?  Not fair.  The bills I have which are outstanding are medical and educational.  Was I supposed to borrow the money from my parents for my schooling, like Romney so portrayed we are all supposed to be able to do?  Well, a single Mother on Social Security only is not really cash heavy, so asking her for school money was not an option.  Was I supposed to just sit here while I wait for Disability to decide on my case and do nothing, watch all the reality shows?  Well, we don’t have cable or any TV, so that option is out.  I guess to satisfy all the people who think the credit score is the bottom line of a person’s worth, I would have to just sit on my hands these last three years, and do nothing with my mind.  Maybe we would have more to talk about if I had kept up with the Kardashians, or watched Honey Boo Boo. 

My final thought here is this: I hope to get the disability next year (2013), get my needed surgeries, and get literally back on my feet again.  When I date though, I will not have a perfect fit body, I will have scars from the surgery, and I will have debt that will need to be addressed when I start working and finally finish my Doctorate.  What will my chances be of finding one of these wonderful men who will understand all of this?  Slim to none, I am thinking.       

Possible Death Threats and Real Stalkers

            I just found out last night I had death threats when I was around 8 or 9 years of age.  This was something I don’t know if I was ever told at that age, memory is slack in that department; I didn’t keep good files then.  But, seriously, my sister’s Dad told my Mom on more than one occasion he was going to have me abducted and killed so he could get my sister.  Also, check this; he also had someone following me who knew my route to and from school.  This puts a new spin on my childhood, which I could have gone forever without this knowledge.

            Ok, now onto other death threats, scary men, and stalkers.  Oh!  I have had my share.  There is no particular order to any of these, just random men in my life.

            There was my second husband who watched so many City Confidential and other crimes shows all day while I was at work, which really freaked me out.  When he started hovering over my bed while I was waking up, that was weirder still.  I decided enough was enough; the guy had many other issues, so we called it quits. 

            Now this doesn’t mean this particular guy stopped bothering me.  No!  He sent emails to my work, and to my boss, telling him I was engaged in employee misconduct.  Then he would leave gifts, sometimes opened with things taken out of them, on my vehicle.  He would send flowers to my work, which I quickly turned over to the next person in line for my flowers I never wanted. So, he went from husband and potential wife killer, to stalker.  I guess he took a step down, as far as I know, so that is a good a thing, right?  But, even while we were married and living together he followed me when I would tell him I would be at my friends house or eating dinner with them, and they were all women friends.  So, weirdness prevails. 

            I had another stalker when I used to work retail.  We had gone out a couple of times, but we never hit it off.  He was just weird.  He would stop the car and just get out and pee on some trash cans on my side of the car.  One time he picked me up, and I was engulfed in a horrid smell once I got in his car.  He told me he had just thrown up in the car, which was proof positive all over his steering wheel.  Once I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, he called me a few really naughty names, and tied to smear my name at church.  Didn’t get very far at church, as everyone thought he was way weirder than I could ever be.  I would often look out the front of the store, which was all large pieces of glass, and he would be out in the court yard, just leaning on a tree watching me.  A few times I didn’t even know he was there, and one of the other women would say something to me.  I finally got security on him, and after about two times of that, he was gone. 

            Then there was my friend’s husband who would get up out of bed and just watch me in the dark while I watched TV.  I was waiting for them to leave so I could watch their little one while they were doing the Sunday newspaper route.  It was weird to wake to him just sitting there watching me, not saying a word, and never making any acknowledgement of him staring at me.  So, what do I call that: couch stalking?

            In high school years there was the guy who actually attacked me on the way to my boyfriend’s house.  Out of no where (isn’t that always where they come from?) he jumps me and wants me to kiss him.  I am thinking, ‘Dude. If all you want is a kiss, I am sure some barfly chick over in the bar there can give that to you’.  But he was quite insistent, until my knee met his nether regions and my hand hit his nose.  Yeah! He was kind of wishing he had tried that little trick on someone else. 

            A guy I dated only once went to dinner with him, but he wanted more.  Hell, a hooker costs you more than an Olive Garden dinner with no alcohol!  He walked me to my door, and then persisted in trying to get more out of the date.  He was real shrunken raisin looking, and way littler than me. I tried to be polite, but he just wouldn’t take a polite a no for an answer.  So, finally it was, impolite, I am going to get serious in a minute if you do not remove yourself.  He didn’t like that either. Then I had to get rough.  On him I only had to grab his throat with my thumb in the larynx to get his attention.  I was almost holding him off the floor.  He was pissed after that, holding his throat as he stormed out the door, but he left.  Then he almost backed his car into a trash truck, which made him even madder when he noticed I was watching him from my porch. 

            I have had my share of one dates who insist there should be more.  They send flowers, cards, and other gifts for me or my animals, even when I give them nothing to hang a tiny thread on.  I have had the guy who gets my phone number by whatever means and will not leave me alone.  Listen, I am not polite after the first or second, no.  I can hold my own and I say just what I mean, no double talk, or confusing language, body or otherwise going on with this chick.  One guy even had the audacity to charge me a fortune for him and his crew of idiots to move my apartment to storage, which they trashed a bunch of stuff, then call me for almost three months afterwards.  This guy had even told me he had a wife and children back in Mexico.  What an arse!

            The other guy who comes to mind right now is a guy who I disliked after the first date.  His whole aura was off, and I am not being mystical here.  He was just wrong.  He then got a sleeping machine (which I think every household in America has at least one now), and he seemed to be a little nicer.  But it still wasn’t working for me.  He left the state. Whew! Oh, not so fast there chicky.  He found me on Face Book (gotta’ love ‘um), and started trying to contact me.  I ignored him for some time, feeling the freedom to do so.  Then one day, when I was bored, he happened to see me online on Face Book, they had just started the chat thing, so I hadn’t gone in and turned on the privacy notifications yet.  So, I chatted with him.  Finally, he was coming town, whoopee.  I met him, hoping he would at least be nice, and I was really going through a lot of stress and could use a friend.  Well, he managed to buy me one drink, and dinner, and not hear one word I said.  He talked of himself, but was never looking at me.  No more dates with him ever.  He got mad at me once because he wanted me to come to stay with him over a weekend, and when my dog got sick and I couldn’t come, he blew his top.  My dog, which is a $1,200 Bichon Frise, got sick, had to get to the vet for emergency treatment, then needed treatment during the day at home, and I am supposed to just fly out of state for a casual weekend.  What a jerk.  To top that off, he had not stopped asking me to meet him when he came here, or asking me to come to his state after that.  I think that is desperate.        

            On the other side of the coin, I have had guys come out of no where, and say they have been wanting to talk to me for years, sometimes, and never had the courage.  Well, I guess if they knew what I did to the guys who were jerks, I could see the trepidation, but most guys don’t know anything about any of that part of lovable me. 

            So, there it is, my share time for today. 

nough said~

           

           

Stiff upper Lip

I am desperately trying to keep a stiff upper lip, but it is getting very hard.  I recognize others have and are going through much harder issues than I am right now, but this is my struggle right here, right now. 

I went to the other doctor the Social Security Disability judge sent me to on the 22nd of March.  I have not heard anything from Binder & Binder or Disability. 

Classes start up again Friday, at least the course room opens then, and classes officially start on Monday.  The school is really pressuring me to take the 2nd Colloquium, and in my last quarter I understand why.  I had a class which was particularly difficult for me, and when I spoke with the professor, she said if I had attended the 2nd Colloquium prior to the class, it would have been easier for me.  Now in looking at my Degree Completion Plan I realize I should have taken the 2nd Colloquium a long time ago, and am now getting ready to be due for the third.  I am not sure how to pay for it is the biggest problem.  I have spoken with disability, and they offered if I could provide documentation as to why I couldn't travel to a Colloquium, besides cost issues, they would do a special 1 on 1 with a professor colloquium.  I would still be liable for the colloquium cost though, which is $1,400+.  That is without travel, hotel, and any other costs. 

I know the judge would be so happy to read this, but I am getting really tired of waiting.  I know I cannot go back to being a paralegal, not just because the jobs are so scarce, but because I cannot do the office work required.  I cannot go back to retail as my knees will in no way support me in that venture.  So, the only other thing I could possibly do is finish this degree, while looking for online teaching jobs.  I haven't even been looking as most of the ones I did see about a year ago were requiring a Ph.D. to even be considered, much less experience.  I might have a better chance in a brick & mortar school, but all the walking and standing required for this is totally unreal for me. 

So, am I doomed to live with my mother for the rest of my unnatural life?  Surely, say no!  She is having to defend my keeping of things to her Bishop.  I wish he would just stay out of what is not his business.  Mom has told him before I am not giving up my stuff, that I don't hoard things, and that I will need the items again when I move out.  But, again last night, she had to defend me against her bishop.  I think, from the way she related it, she may have done so in a manner in which he won't ask her again.  I did add she might have told him she has not been solely responsible for the cost of the storage for a long time: she didn't have to start paying full price until just this last 3 months.  This is due to my not having any unemployment benefits or school money.  I am sure he thinks I am a leach and having Mom pay for everything for me.  I wonder if she adds she uses my Food Stamp card as well, which is a measly $200 a month. 

Anyway, I feel alone, and now I am officially depressed.  I don't want to get out of bed, see no purpose in changing out of my night clothes, and am generally just not motivated or goal driven for anything.  I have one friend here, but she has many commitments, thus she is not available for long conversations.  I have my adopted brother in Texas, but he also is very committed to many things, thus does not have a great deal of time for me.  I have a friend in India, but he just changed jobs to a French company and doesn't have time to write me like he used to.  My pop in Wisconsin has extreme health problems which keeps him from the computer a great deal.  My real sister in California and I just don't get along, my education keeps looming in front of her face even when I don't say anything about it, and she gets mad at me.  And my Mom, we are so different, we just don't see anything the same.  What gets me the most about her is she pounds on me all this stuff about thinking positive and making positive plans, and then she will turn around and give me some crap which is totally negative.  I will make this obvious to her and she gets mad at me. 

So, I am done with sharing my mind today.  This is why I don't write often anymore, I don't like to write depressing stuff.