I still haven't found what I was looking for...

I listened to Robbie Robertson today for quite a while.  The music was from his albums Music for the Native Americans and Contact from the Underworld of Red Boy. Both of these albums deal specifically with Mr. Robertson's Native American roots, as his mother was Mohawk. 

I remembered when I used to listen to this must quite a few years ago, I was searching hard in the lyrics for something which would touch my soul.  I wanted the music to tell me one of the things my Dad had told my Mom was actually true: He said he was part Indian when they were together. 
I went to many pow wows hoping to find a connection to this culture, to these people. 
I never did. 
I still enjoy all of the music.  I even have albums, yes real vinyl, of music of pow wows and dances.
There is no connection for me.

My dad also told my mom he was part alien.  Well, I don't feel like I have any genetic material to share with the Alien, nor do I feel like I am blue and real tall.  I really don't get into the sightings and all the hub bub of alleged alien contact.  I seriously doubt the Area 51 claims and the Roswell stuff.  I think there is something not right about these places, but having real aliens, maybe like those from the movie, The 4th of July,with Will Smith, I don't think so.
So, I don't belong here either.

I have tried to embrace the French side of my heritage, but Mom never found out enough information from my Dad for me to be able to trace it.  In fact, my last name (maiden) is not even the legal last name of my father, and my Mom is not entirely sure my Dad ever gave her his real last name.
I want to live in France, and have completed quite a bit of research on life in France and what area I would like to live. 
I have attempted to study French, so I will not sound entirely stupid, and at least appear to be trying to fit in with the locals.
But, alas, this is not happening either. 
I get tongue tied when I try to learn the language, and I didn't have this problem when I took French Civilization in undergrad.  I just can't seem to remember the words for anything now. 
So, I am feeling like I do not belong to this culture either.

Were I to embrace the American culture, in my eyes, this would be a sad statement.  Yes, there are people who give and who are wonderful here, but in the eyes of many of the rest of the world, Americans are seen as pushy, arrogant, and rude.
I have found for a great majority of people, this is true: Americans are pushy and rude, and they want things now.  I have learned many other cultures move much slower than Americans and are not in a rush to eat, shop, or do business.  There is a certain serenity to many cultures who just take time to talk over lunch or dinner; and who recognize each other as neighbors. 
I have a friend in India who works hard, has a wife with a life threatening disease, and has older frail parents.  It is laudable the way he takes time to sit by his wife's bed while she is sick, just in case she needs something; and the way he will take a 16 hour train trip with his mother for a religious celebration.  This is true caring.
I have another friend who is from Lebanon.  He has told me many times how dinners are long and relaxing.  Everybody eats, talks, and enjoys each other's company.  There are no cellular phones which constantly pull one away from the table; there are only the people at the table who are important.  He has never been able to understand the way American restaurants work, trying to get the table clean and ready for the next customer as soon as possible.

I even tried moving to the South, to see if I belonged there. 
I found I loved the South, wanted to stay.  I went back after I had been away for a couple of years, and found it just wasn't the same.  The South didn't want me anymore. 
I didn't belong there either.

I went to Alaska to stay with a friend there to see if I could belong to this different sub-culture of America.  I got sicker with my illnesses, and had to visit the ER twice while there.
I almost got hit by a huge rock some Native Alaskan woman was throwing at me.  She was drunk and was trying to hit another Native, but I happened to be within her throwing range, even though it was a wide throwing range due to her inebriated condition.  The rock was bigger than my fist, and if it would have it me, I judged, it would have hit me in the head.
I definitely didn't belong here. 

I am stuck in Las Vegas.  I know I don't belong here.  Nothing feels right.  My skin itches to leave this place ASAP.  Every time I leave though, I end up right back here.  Life is getting worse here for me, and my illnesses are getting worse as well. 
Where do I belong? To whom do I belong?  My Dad is dead, and my Mom's memory isn't very good anymore, so who do I ask about my roots?
I want some sort of peace and feeling of being grounded.  After all my travels back and forth across this country, and into two other countries, I still haven't found what I was looking for...

By the way: Thanks to U2 and Bono for the words and thoughts which helped spur this desire and search in me.

what is going on?

i am tired, i will start with this. these illnesses have just been taking their toll on me, and i feel all the fight has left me. 
i checked in with my doctor who is supposed to be treating me for the lupus and fibromyalgia, and the assistant said there was a note on my file asking, "are we treating her for lupus?" talk about leaving me deflated and hopeless on the disability claim.  what is going on?
i am also having to take care of tracking the finances spent in the household, mom is just not up to it.  she needs some serious medical tests and exams to find out what is causing her problems, but she can't afford the co-pays. she worked most of her life, and now can't afford the medical co-pays, and this is with additional insurance to the medicare, to help ease her pains and to figure out if she is having mini strokes.  this is not an entitlement, this is something she paid into when she worked, and now it is not there.   what is going on?
on the local level, a very popular school, one which has had a very successful sports program for as long as i can remember just cancelled the last three games.  the reasoning was there was not enough eligible players left to play on the team.  there was no details, but is this saying these boys did not make the grades to allow them to play further this year? is education getting cuts so bad we can't afford to teach the average student enough to pass a standardized test? what is going on?
on the national and international level, people are demonstrating and getting very vocal about those with the power.  in Italy, the commissioner said the violence seen there was due to the indigents who were protesting.  well, sir, i would be considered an indigent in our social class, and i am sure it would be the same in Italy for me in my current circumstances.  yet, i have a masters in human services, am over 2/3 through a ph.d., have a very crediable paralegal certificate, and would never do anything to break the law. yet, i would be considered an indigent in almost any country's social structure.  i am not homeless, but pretty damn close to it: one month without social security income from my mom to pay the rent, and me and my crew are out on the street.  what is going on?

i have worked hard in my life, made very good grades in all my schooling, yet here i sit.  due to a blood condition which i did nothing to create, it is totally genetics, i cannot be insured by small employers.  i have been told my insurance would cost around $800 a month due to this blood condition. i enjoyed my freedom when working, i enjoyed working, i have no desire to sit here and even complete this ph.d. journey.  in fact, before even starting the ph.d. and the disability case, i desperately tried to go back to work.  this is when the recession first hit vegas.  so the circumstances i am in right now are not due to any laziness on my part, but due to my physical illnesses and the economy.  you pick which one came first.
i have been thinking, some of the most talented people with the brightest ideas dropped a bit of LSD in their youth.  i did nothing of the sort.  i kept my body clean, no drugs, and not even much alcohol in my youth, or my entire life, as compared to many others.  i have no tattoos, loved working out, walking, riding my horse, and just being outdoors.  i feel at times if i would have done some drugs, at least i would have had some fun before getting like i am now.  instead i just stayed clean, tried to be the best at what i did, and leave things a bit better than when i arrived.  what is going on?
 
so, this is a rather depressing post, and i apologize. since i don't have many followers i am not worried i am going to get too many people depressed.  it is what is on aubrey's mind though.  this needed to be written and tossed out to the pensive i keep all my thoughts i can't hold in my head.  there it is...